i am now on my way to shake the hand of edward e. ericson, jr.:

spring was in the air. it had most of us believing that tale at least. but spring brought something else with it, a sense of urgency, a sense of confusion and moreover a sense of realization of how truly messed up human beings are.

solzhenitsyn said this: "the line that divides good and evil cuts right through the heart."

the wavering back and forth between good and evil is evident, especially in the spring air today. i happened to have witnessed this with my own pair of eyes. a man who i was friends with, a wonderful, endearing man, who was kind and generous, thoughtful and organized reminded me of this line solzhenitsyn talks about as he walked by me in handcuffs, being escorted by two men. so while our hearts move back and forth between that which has been deemed "good" and that which has been deemed "evil" (thank you society/history/white man/judeo-christianity), i realized that whichever good or evil deed that we associate with the most, is the one which we will embrace and allow to ourselves to be definded by it at that moment. it isn't until after the fact that we realize who we actually are, by what we have done right or wrong.
and so i allow this to settle and consume me, and apply it to my circumstance. maybe the line that divides good and evil cuts through experience and money?
tomorrow morning i will arise, eat, listen, participate, eat, study, and sleep. and in the meantime i'm supposed to get a job to earn a wage to become a responsible man of integrity. however, i find that right now i'm learning lessons about life that will have more value, merit and validity in ten years than if i learned to budget my wages so i can pay my mortgage. but somehow, i am told to find a balance between the two, and whatever that balance is i hope it breeds as much intensity that life is capable of generating, even if i'm more concerned about the value of paper than the value of my life.